I am a therapist, freelance writer, community and clinical educator and a Mom who is passionate about good parenting. I will share my thoughts and ideas both personal and professional especially concerning relationships, sex and intimacy, parenting, being a single Mom as well as social concerns.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Why Not to Marry
To marry or not to
marry … that is the question
I am going
to tell you why NOT to marry right
There are lots
of lovely things to be said about love and marriage. It can be a beautiful
thing if you are in love, being loved right back, and are emotionally mature.
If you are thinking with a level head about your life and the future
compatibility with your special someone, imagining being together forever will
feel warm and good.
But I want
to be blunt and list some reasons why not
to get married right now.
If any of these
apply to you, I suggest you wait and
think more on this very important life choice:
1.All your friends are getting married and
you feel left out.
2.You are itching for a pretty wedding (a
wedding is neither a marriage nor the reason for one).
3.It’s the next step in Your
Plan. Just because you finished
college, got a job, had some fun being single, and are a certain age does not
mean you marry so you can finish the puzzle you might be thinking your life
should look like.
4.You are lonely. We all get lonely. And
honestly a part of why a lot of folks marry is because they want to be coupled
and not spend their lives single (and a bit lonely). But don’t let it be a big
part of why you are marrying. You might
be clouded by fears of being alone rather than judging your compatibility or
the quality of your commitment.
5.You are afraid of losing him if you don’t tie it down right now.(Fear is not a good place from which to make
decisions. Especially big ones)
6.Your family thinks you should. This is YOUR LIFE.
7.Your friends think it’s
8.You are pregnant.This may be an arguably
good enough reason to marry given many other factors. But marrying someone who
isn’t right for you, isn’t kind, or
doesn’t love and respect you - just
because you are pregnant and planning to have a baby – is not good enough reason
alone to marry.
9.You are engaged.
Yep. You heard me. Just because you are engaged and have been planning to get
married, doesn’t mean you should go forward if things aren’t going well. I hear
people say it a lot, “We already told the family, bought the rings and
everything, so I felt like I had togo
forward.” This is not a good reason or place from which to start a lifelong
commitment. If the relationship is showing distress, seek counseling or
postpone the wedding. Figure out if it’s right to marry this person for a
lifetime, not if you will be embarrassed in the short term by changing course.
10.Just because you are invested. This is a term
I hear too much. We do invest. We invest our time and labor and love into lots
of things. If you think you are invested now, just imagine 15 years from now
after your heart wasn’t in it from the start.We spend time with people, we love, we share joys and sadness and live
our lives in relationship to others. Sometimes that ends. It doesn’t mean what
we shared wasn’t or isn’t important. It also doesn’t mean it must last forever
if the elements for continued shared joy and commitment are no longer present.
Move on if this is the main reason you are deciding to move into marriage.
seem from what I have said that I am against marriage. I am not. However I see
a lot of folks get clouded as to why they are marrying and what is motivating this
So let’s face facts: A large percentage of marriages
will end in divorce. I know I may
sound cynical, but I work with clients going through divorce and let me tell
you, you want to choose your next ex very carefully.I am serious. If you marry and divorce this
person, chances are you are going to have to negotiate the most important
aspects of life with him or her: children and money. You don’t want to do this
with an unkind, deceptive, uncaring or disrespectful person.It will be hell. Choose marriage wisely, as
you may very well be also choosing your co-parent during a divorce.
And last, we live alot longer than ever in human
history. Marriage was so very useful, and in many ways imperative
(especially for women) in days past. The factors that made marrying as vital as
it once was have changed. Today we can marry for love, and to add value to our
lives.We can take our time and choose
you can wait until age 30 to marry and still spend easily 5 to 6 decades with this person. Don’t you think you should be very
clear about why you are choosing this person, and if you are ready before you
promise yourself for the next 50 +years?