"NO! Stop!” ( Binge drinking, young women's safety, and assertiveness skills)

 

How Assertiveness can help Stop an Assault and Improve your Self Esteem:

- and the role of binge drinking on college women's safety.

Part one of three…

Powerful words and powerful action can be one of your best tools when confronted with danger or assault.

Women on campuses throughout the United States face sexual assault and harassment at a level higher than any other group of people.  We are most vulnerable between the ages of 14 and 24 to experience sexual assault, unwanted sexual contact and sexual harassment. In fact the statistics range from 1 in 4 to 1 in 2 women in this age group will be harassed, assaulted or coerced into unwanted sex.

Why is this? I have been counseling high school and college aged women for over 15 years. I have been  an instructor on college campuses, an anti-violence educator and  I have spent a great deal of time researching assault, listening to survivors, interviewing perpetrators and putting together the elements that make young women so often targeted for assault and intimidation.  I want to say that there are many things you can do to drastically reduce the chance that you will be targeted by a perpetrator and become a victim.

Young women are out on the scene, interacting with young men and women, socializing regularly and trying new things. At these ages we are new to all of the dynamics of social interaction, we are often on our own for the first time, and we are appropriately eager to make new connections and relationships. However, there are many things we need to learn and understand about all of this so that we can take care of ourselves and have a good time.  You are learning in your classes how to prepare for your chosen career. Learn just as much about how to prepare to be an aware, assertive and confident social being with the ability to take good care of you and choose wisely based on good information. Then go have fun.

Alcohol is often a factor in assaults. I am NOT blaming the victim. In fact I spend a lot of time working to change the culture of harassment and violence against women in general.  But I am writing for young women right now.  No one should ever be taken advantage of when incapacitated, or for any reason. But the reality is that anything we do that REDUCES OUR AWARENESS and ASSESSMENT/JUDGMENT will place us at greater risk. When I talk to perpetrators of date rape, other sexual assault and even harassment I usually hear (or read between the lies…oops I meant lines) that they are looking for an easier target. So based on this, I want to advocate that you work on reducing the chances you will be assessed as a target by a possible perpetrator.  

There are no guarantees that you will not be victimized. I cannot guarantee that even with 20 years of martial arts experience, and lots of training about assertiveness that I myself will never be targeted. But I can assure you that there are things you can do to greatly reduce the likelihood of assault without diminishing your freedoms.

So what makes a potential victimizer assess us as an easy target?

1.       Incapacity. Usually in the form of being very drunk. Drinking alcohol to excess (sometimes to near blackout) will put you at greater risk.  For both stages of assault where you have a chance to intervene early:  when you are being targeted; and then when you are being tested, you will be challenged to intervene, to assess, to stand up for yourself, to yell “NO”,  or to fight– if you are very drunk.

2.       Lack of capacity or awareness. Use your senses. Don’t diminish them when you are in public or with people you don’t know. Think: sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Ear buds for instance, reduce your ability to hear someone approaching you from behind.

3.       Appearing weak, scared or lacking in confidence.  I know. I even hate saying it but it’s true. Many perpetrators, victimizers and abusers assess for this stuff.  So hold your head up, look people in the eye and walk and talk with a confident and assertive tone. If you don’t know how, take a class, or identify someone on TV maybe - who seems to have those qualities and try to mimic them.  See a therapist if low self esteem or serious anxiety or depression have you showing up in the world this way. It helps to actually feel more assertive and capable than just to act like it.

4.       Being alone and having any of the above lack of capacity. Being alone is not in and of itself a big problem. But being alone when incapacitated is a problem. Please, stay with your friend and get her home safe if she is drunk.

 

Why would anyone use, abuse, assault, force sex or intimidate a woman?

I’ll speak more broadly here; not just about violent assault or coercive sex. You have heard it before: Power. This is not the exclusive reason. But generally speaking, when someone perpetrates abuse or violence, they are getting a dose of power. The reasons for wanting or needing that kind of power in order to feel more secure within themselves are myriad and I won’t go into them here. But your job is to spot people who use others in negative or aggressive ways, cross boundaries or are impolite or pushy and assertively intervene to either get them away from you, get them out of your life, or not invite them in where they can do harm in even subtle ways.

Perpetrators are looking for anything that tells them it will easier to get away with whatever they are planning. And they do usually plan. Then they TARGET. Here is where you want to be effective.  Be assertive in language and physical stance. Take a self defense class, read some books about boundaries and test out setting assertive limits in your life. Ask yourself if you lack confidence or why you choose to drink to excess especially when out socializing. Get help from a therapist or trusted advisor about why you are doing this and how to stop.

Often when we have social anxiety, lack self esteem, feel scared or alone we will do things that leave us more vulnerable than if we approached the world from a place of pride and confidence and deeply held positive regard for ourselves. That is what you deserve. Help is available to get you there.

Last, here are some things to remember especially regarding our recent campus assault problem:

* Be a good friend. Be a responsible bystander (BY NOT BEING A BYSTANDER. Do something)

* Call the police, draw attention to, and yell! if you see someone being victimized or targeted. Victimizers depend on silence.

* Don’t leave your friend alone if she is drunk. Get her home safely.

* If you want to consume more alcohol than will allow you to be coherent, at least do it in the relative safety of people you know and trust well.

* Studies show that when women fight back, by yelling, hitting, shoving or defending their boundaries in any way that the assault is more often stopped than if she is silent. Your voice is a powerful tool!

No means No: Children’s voices/Adult Boundaries

Have you ever tickled a child and they laughed but said stop?  Did you stop?

I have been aware for some time, as a child abuse treatment therapist, that children’s declarations of self hood are often ignored by adults. We tell kids for instance, “Give Aunt Mary a kiss” even as the child may be pulling away; or “That’s not nice to say no to a hug, you’ll hurt (so and so’s) feelings”. 

We scoop them up from behind without notice, in the name of play, and we routinely cross boundaries with children we would likely not do with an adult.  Today I discovered my babysitter tickling my son. He was laughing yet saying, “Stop.”   I have intervened in this before so today I took a moment and stood just outside the door and listened. She continued to tickle. He continued to giggle but say “stop” and his “stops” were getting more adamant and I could hear the mounting frustration build up. And since I know my son, I could also tell he was trying hard to denounce his feelings and to accept this situation.  Anyway, she did not stop; in fact she began a debate by asking him “why are you laughing if you don’t like it?”  He didn’t know how to answer. He is four.

My son tried to reason with her. He asked if she liked to be tickled. She admitted she did not.  So my son asked wisely, “Then why are you tickling me when I say no?” Again, not acknowledging his quite mature reasoning she said, “Because you were laughing, so I know you liked it”.  Now I could hear the tears in his voice. He was trying to reason with an adult about something that was hard to explain and his feelings and boundaries were not being given any worth. (By this time of course I was at the door to the room, hoping my presence would offer him courage and communicate my concern to the sitter.) Next, my child said,” If you don’t like it and I say stop then you shouldn’t do it!” Then with tears in his eyes, he hit her. 

So guess what?  She began to admonish him for hitting saying hitting isn’t nice and he should apologize. The hypocrisy jumped at me hard and I struggled to remain calm.  Now, I do not teach my child to hit. I teach the use of words. He had done that. It hadn’t worked. So at this point I stepped in and told her that I teach my child that his body is his own and that if he says no to a touch or tickle, that is his right and his words should be accepted. 

So the rest of the day my child was out of sorts and was displaying some aggression that he usually doesn’t. I realized that he had several experiences with adults in his life this week where his body integrity had not been respected. Again, the forced hugs and such by well meaning but clearly unaware adults.

Why do we think that children should be forced to allow things we ourselves do not like, such as unwanted hugs, kisses or tickles? This is very reminiscent of “she didn’t fight so I thought she liked it”, even though the victim in this description may have been grimacing or crying, she didn’t fight so it was OK?

It’s not OK.

Again, I come from a child sexual abuse prevention background and I have been well educated in how to teach children and families ways to increase child safety and have children grow up to be assertive, not aggressive and respect boundaries within themselves and others. The reason children do not know how to say no to child abusers, or grow up to be people without  clear and self defined assertiveness skills is largely because we parents, caregivers and the greater culture often send messages to children every day that slowly melt away their assertive and dignified voice in many areas.

My child has clear boundaries in our home. Rules are clear and there are consequences when not followed. He is not allowed to disrespect others. He is not allowed to grab another kid by the arm and pull him along, or to try to force anyone to do something that is uncomfortable for them. I expect that those around him allow the same respect. But sadly, this is often not the case. 

So often kids learn that they are not allowed to say no, they are not allowed to own their own body. When we are tickled, we laugh. It is an automatic bodily response. It does not signify we like it. If we say no while laughing we still mean no. A child comes into fierce awareness of their relative vulnerability at the hands of an adult through tickling. They cannot break free and saying stop often doesn’t work. Their body betrays them by laughing. Their words seem to mean nothing to the all powerful adult. Often the same adult who instructed, “use your words”.

And when they finally get so frustrated by this vulnerability, they hit or bite, or whatever. Then, they get in trouble. Can you imagine how frustrating and demoralizing this is? Not every child has the same areas where he or she is sensitive or experiences powerlessness. But as caregivers, teachers, and parents we should be attentive to signs of distress, and by all means model that No means No and Stop should be respected.

And by the way, if disrespecting a child’s body boundaries through corporal punishment at one end of the spectrum, or even frequent less overt occurrences of disrespect become customary for a child, they will over time, learn to ignore their own instincts and relinquish their own power and control. Or they will likely become bullies.