Help! I’m have started dating and I don’t know how much to disclose  (early on especially)... 

You believe in honesty. You want the men in your dating life to be honest with you, and you want to be an honest person as well. So where does honesty stop and become too much information? My clients and friends who are actively dating often ask, “How much do I share about my past, my sexual history, my family, my finances or my children on first dates and early on (in chatting or internet emails)?”  You might also be confused about how much to ask him early on in the process.  You certainly want to get to know him, as well as gather some information to help you assess your interest and next steps. You want to learn enough to begin to form opinions of his mental health, kindness, his attitude about and respect for women etc.

Along the way you have likely received lots of messages about all of this etiquette. Yet you still wonder what level of disclosure do you offer and when, and how does informal information gathering about him work?  It can be very confusing. 

For instance, you have probably heard that lies by omission are still lies. So do you wonder if that means you must disclose your address, where your children go to school,  your weight,  your sexual history, your financial statistics, or your favorite sexual position ?-  (total red flag by the way, of an inappropriate early date question. Get out!) But I digress. There is a difference between talking about your favorite author or the value you place on maintaining a healthy lifestyle on an early date, versus offering information or answering questions about your sexual history, how your past relationship ended or your yearly income.

When you are on that first, third or even 6^th date or “meetup”, you want to be relaxed and offer information about yourself, and you want to ask information from him – but how much and what topics are reasonable?  Being “too open” too early may have bitten you before or maybe being too “private” has lead to accusations of being closed off.  Then there are the “experts” on dating who advise women to remain “mysterious”. Advice is often contradictory.

Here are some things I suggest you begin to consider as you formulate your own dating disclosure approach:

1.      There is a difference between full disclosure and open communication.

2.      Being cautious about your privacy is not being dramatic, stingy, or closed off. It is simply self protective and appropriate. Until you have a very good sense that someone you are getting to know is kind, safe, emotionally consistent and stable – more information about you is more they can use to hurt or manipulate you. (Trust me I could fill a book with stories of just such atrocious behavior).  It is very important especially with internet dating, that you are very cautious about sharing too much important information about your life.

3.      Talking too much or too little is not attractive or useful. There should be some reasonable level of sharing and talking as well as listening. Chatting about how passionate you are about travel is an example of great starter conversation. Talking about how your ex treated you badly is not.

4.      Lies of omission are only lies (and therefore unethical) if your omission is designed and intended to make someone believe something that isn’t true, hide something they deserve to know (i.e. because they are your partner and you are hiding an affair), or allow them to have false assumptions so as to manipulate their feelings.

5.       That “mystery” element you may wish to cultivate isn’t about hiding, it’s about letting someone learn more about you over time, and according to how well the relationship is progressing. It isn’t about acting aloof - it is about having that air of self composure that suggests you are a deep person worth getting to know better.

6.      The first few dates should be about getting a sense of how the two of you relate, keeping it a bit on the light side and having fun. You are not closed off but you are also not telling your life story to someone you barely know.

7.      Our level of personal disclosure should be consistent with how well you know someone, and how well they respect your boundaries. For instance, it is appropriate to disclose you have herpes before you have sex with him, but it isn’t necessary to disclose you were sexually abused when you were a child to someone you only met a month ago.

8.      Privacy is not a lie. What level of personal information about your current or historical life is appropriate to disclose to a partner of 5 months is not the same as to someone you have met up with or hooked up with three times.

9.      Too much information too early and too often can get you hurt (emotionally, financially, physically, and sexually). Take the time to learn about your new guy as well. Watch for how he behaves, if he shows integrity and kindness toward you and the world, appropriately reciprocates information and vulnerabilities. You need to hold dear certain intimate sensitivities, slow down on the personal data and in general think about how you are experiencing this connection.

10.  Less is better. Slow is smarter. There is a lot you can talk about safely even on a first date that still leave the guy feeling like you were open, relaxed and fun to hang out with. It is easy to fill hours talking and sharing about yourself (and finding out about him) that don’t leave you vulnerable or feeling unsafe.  You can reveal values (like caring for animals), interests (like keeping up with global politics), passions (like music),  goals (like advancing in your career), or hobbies,  to fill many dates before you get into deeply private information or certain details about your history that you would not want shared with others.

So early dates, starting chat exchanges via internet dating, and the beginning of new connections should progress slowly in the area of self disclosure. You should think before telling something that feels personal. Is it something you would be OK being posted to your facebook for instance (because it could be). Until you have enough experience with him, don’t give away your soul, you deepest wounds or your secret and private life. With regard to safety, don’t give out very many stats either. Someone you barely know does not need to know your birth date, your address, names and ages of your children or your social security number! I say this to draw attention to how we all know we shouldn’t give out our SSN to unknown sources, but the same is true with personal dating disclosure.

It’s worth waiting and having boundaries rather than regretting later that you have ended with someone and now he has so much on you that you feel vulnerable. Also, listen well in those first many encounters. If there is something “off” about him, it will often show up if you have your limits, watch to see how well they are respected and  keep listening to him for clues about who he is and how he behaves.

 

Disclaimer: this is written by specific request for heterosexual women dating men. I have no intention of leaving out gay or transgendered relationships in my articles.

 

 

 

How can I become more connected and vulnerable and still feel safe in relationships?

This is a complicated topic with a web of feelings and issues interconnected. Among them are deep emotions and past experiences. When I talk to clients, friends and others I hear about self esteem, shame, courage, wisdom, boundaries, childhood wounds, relational experiences, as well as cultural expectations and messages.

Often I hear things that have a negative connotation attached to the definition of vulnerability. A colleague said, “Vulnerability feels like an open wound”. Someone else said, “I feel weak. It’s like I exposed too much of myself”. Why does vulnerability get wrapped up so much in feelings of weakness?

As I’ve worked on being a healthier person in relationships myself, I’ve come to view vulnerability quite differently from where I began as a young person. I’m suggesting the idea of vulnerability that is associated with high self esteem and confidence - the courage to be seen.  I propose a model of vulnerability as strength of emotional maturity. And that is what we need to love well and to be open to receiving some of life’s most connected relational gifts.

But what gets in our way? And why do women fear vulnerability in special ways that may be different than men’s fears? Because if you haven’t noticed, many men fear vulnerability and some go to great lengths to protect their “soft underbelly”.  Sadly this is what we largely teach men and boys to do. But that’s another story. Thing is, most of us are deeply confused about all of this.

We as women also fear seeming too “soft”.  So how can practicing something so open and as emotionally intimate as vulnerability be a strength?  Because when practiced with personal integrity and self respect, vulnerability is courage, it is compassion, it is wisdom, it can be nurturance and it is being human and real.

So the task is to parse out the difference between for lack of a better term, needy – and being vulnerable. When we are needy, it certainly is a vulnerable feeling. When we seek love for instance, from a place of fear that also makes us feel vulnerable and we are indeed in many way at risk of being taken advantage of, hurts or even exploited.  So we have to learn the form of connection and intimacy that comes from a place of self knowledge and strength. Practicing vulnerability in healthy ways is about sharing yourself and your passions. It is about allowing others to meet us where we are and seeing parts that may otherwise stay hidden. Doesn’t that sound courageous?

Culturally women are often sent contradictory messages that place us in what feels like a double bind around this practice.  One message we get is that as women we should be accessible emotionally, lead the way toward openness and nurturance of others. But we also get messages that we must protect our softer and more feminine selves lest we be exploited in ways emotional, sexual and physical. What is missing in this dialogue (well there is a lot missing) is the factoring in of boundaries.

To be vulnerable in affirming and healthy ways, we need to be able to set boundaries, choose and create respectful relationships. With the basics of this life template, we become free to be open and to do so in appropriate ways with appropriate people and for the right reasons.

So here is my proposal: Connect the goal of healthy boundaries with the goal of empowered openness. This is hard work for most of us. And doing so often requires assistance, good resources, role models and lots of practice paying attention to what we fear and how to move past a need to please and focus on self care instead.

Check in on your motivations for sharing, intimacy, connection and attachment. Look closely at when, where, and with whom you seek to be seen and heard. Why do you want to reveal parts of yourself? Under what circumstances does disclosure feel great? With whom do you find it reciprocated?  Are you able to feel ok about yourself if it is not? What do you seek from different relationships and situations? What do you need to alter or who might you need to limit your exposure to in order to create more health in your life? Might you tell your stories of fear, passion, excitement, mistakes and accomplishments with courage?

Once we have become clear that we deserve respect, and we have become comfortable with our boundaries and willing to be honest and judge the responses of others, we can more easily determine who we allow into our close circles.  With this framework for our social and intimate lives, we will feel much more confident to be open, vulnerable and accessible with the good people we hold dear.

K

The Ties That Bind: How Trauma and Addiction Get Woven Together

 

                                             

When I was a new therapist, I was working at a sexual trauma treatment center in a major city. During that first year I often saw how traumas like rape and child abuse predisposed its survivors toward the soothing relief of drugs and alcohol.  At the same time, I was cautioned by other therapists that I could not treat trauma with a person who was still using. I felt trapped. How could I help people get better without paying some attention to the historical trauma that substances helped cover over?

I saw many substance abusing people (mostly women) come through our center.  Many of the folks I I saw had been through rehab centers had AA or NA experience or had been counseled by addictions specialists. Yet they weren’t getting better. Looking deeper I discovered that many of the women I met had traumatic histories. The specialists with whom they had worked had taken little account of their trauma history. In fact many had never been screened for a trauma experience.  Here were so many women who had spent years battling serious drug or alcohol abuse, but who could not break free from the demons in their mind.  Often those demons were intrusive memories of past abuse and a core feeling of worthlessness or shame. The legacy that childhood trauma left for these women included a life of addiction and lonely pain.

Without the hurt from past relational harm being addressed, many of these women were not beating back their dependence on alcohol and other drugs.  The substances helped them cope. What was needed was a therapist who understood addiction and also knew how to assess and treat trauma and PTSD. This is what I proceeded to do, against the recommendations of many in my therapeutic community. Luckily today, reputable addiction treatment assesses for trauma and past abuse and offers a chance to talk through those experiences. Unfortumnately for many though, the counselors who work with addiction are not trained in trauma and the therapists who understand PTSD may not understand the tricky terrain of addiction. 

When abuse and trauma are recognized and treated together, along with addiction treatment , years of dependence on substances can lift.   Without the trauma being considered, clients often experience treatment around the addiction that feels alienating and self blame and shame are re activated.  The deeper issues scream for attention. 

Certainly, not all folks struggling with addiction have a trauma or abusive past. And there are other childhood experiences that can be decisively harmful as well and often leave a person with a vulnerability to anything that will block the pain.  Among some of those factors are:  parents, who because of their own addiction,  did not provide their child with the attention they needed;  mentally ill caregivers whose struggles prevented attuned attachment; and  narcissistic or borderline personality disordered parents who confused, frightened and shamed their  child.  These are among the many types of experiences we can have as children that leave us hurting and looking for relief.  The warm buzz of alcohol or the deep alteration of a drug can mask our pain, for awhile.

Whether my client was sexually abused, neglected,  or pervasively shamed growing up  – treatment that helps make sense of these experiences, processes the feelings that were generated and offers new ways of understanding and coping can come to make the substance use less needed.  Of course, caution must be used so as not to overwhelm an already depleted internal  self  that has become locked in chemical abuse.

 Pacing and caution are used by skilled therapists to provide new supports that allow the difficult memories to be processed and contained.  Working with someone who is using is not the same as working with someone who is not…A more sensitive, slow paced and careful approach must be taken when dealing with a traumatic past and and addiction at the same time. But with proper understanding of the connection and the dynamics of both addiction and trauma,  healing of trauma and substance abuse recovery can  proceed together.

Are You as Assertive as You Want to be in Your Relationships?

Are You as Assertive as You Want to be in Your Relationships?

Do you sometimes feel uncomfortable, or just plain afraid to say “No”, or “That is something I am not willing to do” for instance?   Are you concerned that if you set a limit, disagree with your spouse’s decision or voice non-acceptance of a behavior at work that there will be unpleasant and hard to handle consequences? Are their certain people or situations where limit setting or speaking your truth is more difficult?  If so, this is a common experience.

I bet you would like to be able to set boundaries with ease and with an inner comfort from knowing that it is your right to do so.  Most of us do not spend very much time thinking about boundaries, what they mean to us or where out limits are being intruded upon.  We have even less experience or training around how they get communicated. But the problem is, if we ignore them for too long or too often, we get angry. Then we risk lashing out in ineffectual ways. We disappoint ourselves and feel shame. But the problem wasn’t with our boundary, it was with ignoring our feelings and then poorly reacting to the anger that ensued.  Being angry is useful if you can identify why you feel upset and find the communication necessary to respectfully address the issue at hand.

So assertive communication frees relationships to be healthy. And it actually allows you to be more calm and less resentful.  Because by attending to our own limits and needs while respecting the boundaries of others, we will be more apt to communicate appropriately and in a way where we can feel authentic and confident.  Passive aggressive behavior or reactive aggression is often the result of becoming overwhelmed with too many invasions of our time, energy, feelings or rights. 

We prosper emotionally, relationally, financially, and in innumerable ways from the ability to communicate assertively. Your values, concerns, ideas, needs and limits are important.

Women I counsel and speak with in my courses often confuse assertive communication with being rude, unkind, mean or selfish.  And who wants be seen that way? But this is largely an incorrect message we have received from our common culture. Assertive women are often judged as mean or self centered. This is incorrect. Being assertive is about respecting yourself and others. Whereas rudeness is about disrespecting the humanity and value of another person.  More often what I see is that in an attempt to avoid being viewed as “rude” or “bitchy”, we actually become rude to ourselves, by allowing others to treat us badly.  

This shows up in a myriad of ways. It effects our marriages, family relationships, friendships and professional life. Moreover, it lowers our self esteem. Our confidence and self worth is choked by repeatedly discounting our own rights. Becoming aware of limits and boundaries; physical, emotional, spiritual, and sexual - to name a few - is the beginning of improved well being.  

So first, start thinking and reading about boundaries. Make a list of areas where boundaries are really important. (It might be that allowing your partner to yell at you is no longer acceptable for instance.) Then start to practice what assertive communication of your boundaries sounds and feels like. Honor your fear. This is often a very hard skill to learn. It helps to read articles or books that give concrete examples of what assertive versus aggressive or passive communication sounds like. Start small. If you would normally say nothing if your chicken was served undercooked at a restaurant, try saying, “This chicken is undercooked, please take it back and bring me another, thank you.” No apologies. You weren’t being rude, so you needn’t apologize for asking for what you deserve.  

Keep up the effort. It takes time for these skills to feel natural. But you will be glad you honored yourself by taking the journey.

Aftermath of School Shooting: How to help our kids

I want to start a conversation about caring for ourselves and our children in the aftermath of the current shooting violence on Friday. As some of you might know I am a psychotherapist, and I once treated mostly children. I want to just share some of what I know from working with traumatized children, from being an anti violence educator for over 15 years and from my experiences when I was working with children, schools and families in Washington DC area  following the events of 911. I was at a trauma non profit at the time of 911.

I know the shooting in Connecticut is not the same as a national tragedy like 911. But there are lot of things we learned from that and other experiences of social violence and about how to help children cope, and how to cope as parents so that we can be the most accessible to our kids. I am focusing mainly in this post on the smallest children, toddlers to first graders and the issue of restricting information flow as much as possible and the value of being able to respond as need arises with as much peace and calm as possible.

That said, we are all going to have different emotional responses based on who we are, our family dynamics, the age of our children,  and our life experiences. I know some parents may be frightened about leaving their children at school. Some parents may feel quite secure with their children at school. And most of us will have conflicting feelings. Whatever your emotions, to the extent we manage ourselves and limit anxiety producing information getting through to our children, the better we all will be.

One of the first things we said to families after 911 was to TURN OFF THE TV (when our children are awake or near) and to be mindful of our own behaviors such as telephone conversations etc. As we all know our children are master detectives of our feelings and what we are up to and they hear all! So be mindful to where you are doing your “processing” and know that they should not hear your raw emotions or your telephone calls etc.  

Dr. Andrew J. Gerber, a child psychiatrist at Columbia, said that parents should come to terms with their own feelings about the massacre before talking to a child. They should "essentially metabolize the awfulness of the event so that what they pass on when they have a discussion with their children conveys a certain amount of thoughtfulness and understanding, rather than raw trauma,"…

In short, the less our small children know the better.   Ideally kindergarten and first graders should not be informed about this event at all. Our children need us to project a sense of calm And for small children, they need to be protected from the information as much as possible. Their little emotional selves are just not prepared to process such unimaginable and frightening data and no good comes from exposing them unnecessarily.

Of course many little ones have older siblings and other family members that may “leak” information about the tragedy. And the information is bombarding us everywhere. So if your child hears about the shooting or has already been exposed to some of the details, you’ll want to think about how to respond. Most experts agree to wait until they bring it up with you. And limit the details to what they already have heard. So when and if they do ask a question or otherwise project a fear, assess how much they have heard before you respond. Less is more. You can then validate their feelings AND assure them that they are safe. Something along the lines of, “I can see you are scared. You can talk to me about anything. I know it is scary when you hear of something you don’t understand or something where someone was hurt. “   And then “You have grown ups around you who love you and are making sure you are safe.”

This event is horrible. It reminds us of our deepest fears and that we live in an unpredictable world. This is true everywhere in the world. As we know many families must deal with the real possibility of violence befalling their children or their homes every day. As frequent as it seems that shootings in school have been, and there have been way too many, our communities remain relatively safe from these isolated events.  

But we cannot make our children’s world perfectly safe;  we can however  protect their innocence by assuring them that they are being protected by loving adults who will care for them. One way to care for them is to be captain of the ship regarding exposure to media.  We cannot indulge in random access to our car radio or TV left on as we have no knowledge of what material might pop up or how an issue will be framed.  We deal with this differently according to our children’s ages. Little ones need as much shielding as we can give. This is not the time to “toughen them up”. It is a time to draw near and create familiar safety. Resilience is built through loving and gentle closeness.

As parents we can get help for ourselves if our fears make it hard for us to project a secure, steady calm for them. They need to know we are there for them. They can ask questions and they can be silent. We will keep them close but not intrude and we will reassure them that we are doing all we can do together as a community to keep them safe. They are loved. Love heals.

More to come on the specific signs that a child may be distressed.

Also more about why. Why does this happen? Who can do these horrific things and why are they occurring

Girl Power?

How do we teach our daughters to find a voice?

A new documentary has been released titled, Miss Representation:

Plot Summary

"Like drawing back a curtain to let bright light stream in, Miss Representation (TV-14 DL) uncovers a glaring reality we live with every day but fail to see. Written and directed by Jennifer Siebel Newsom, the film exposes how mainstream media contribute to the under-representation of women in positions of power and influence in America. The film challenges the media's limited and often disparaging portrayals of women and girls, which make it difficult for women to achieve leadership positions and for the average woman to feel powerful herself. In a society where media is the most persuasive force shaping cultural norms, the collective message that our young women and men overwhelmingly receive is that a woman's value and power lie in her youth, beauty, and sexuality, and not in her capacity as a leader. While women have made great strides in leadership over the past few decades, the United States is still 90th in the world for women in national legislatures, women hold only 3% of clout positions in mainstream media, and 65% of women and girls have disordered eating behaviors. Stories from teenage girls and provocative interviews with politicians, journalists, entertainers, activists and academics, like Condoleezza Rice, Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, Rachel Maddow, Margaret Cho, Rosario Dawson and Gloria Steinem build momentum as Miss Representation accumulates startling facts and statistics that will leave the audience shaken and armed with a new perspective.

I am so pleased this is being shown in college sociology classes. I would love to spread the word to families with especially teenage daughters. Whether we like it or not, culture is strong. That is why anthropologists are so interested in the economy, the customs, stories, myths. religious thought and artifacts of daily life during times past and present. The stories we tell inform and derive from our collective experience. Today, media has exploded. In fact some social scientists and even those studying brain development are suggesting that our high media consumption from constant connectivity and texting, gaming, and surfing is actually changing the way young brains are developing.

I am not a scientist, but it doesn't take an expert to know that our culture provides stimulation at a high degree, and influences the beliefs and thought patterns of adults, but importantly of our youth. Children are sponges for information. That is how in a mere 12 years most children know the norms and expectation of their culture. By age 3 my son was saying that pink is for girls. He DID NOT learn this at home and wasn't even in childcare setting,  but he absorbed this from his limited environmental stimuli just fine. When I said it was Ok to like pink, he got confused and asked if people would laugh at him for it.  He is 5 now and says that GOD is a man.Hm.  I am a feminist Mom. I talk with my son in an age appropriate way about gender equality and encourage him to follow his interests regardless of gender assignment. But he knows. He has a consciousness of how boys "should" act. To my dismay.

For little girls, how often do we ask the big questions?  What are they being taught about themselves from their environment, peers, adults and cultural influences like TV, video games, stories etc?  We need to ask. And we need to take an active role in the conversation and teach them to ask questions. Teach them to question norms and have a critical eye on behavior and ideas.  If our girls are to thrive they need to be taught critical thinking skills by US. If we want our girls to grow to be confident women who know they can pursue any interest, then we need to model strength, assertiveness,  good judgement, and gender equality.

We can do this without preaching. When a commercial comes on that shows a woman in a subordinate position, we can just comment lightly with interest. "Hmm, isn't it interesting that this commercial shows that woman cleaning the house while her husband sits watching TV? I wonder if there are any commercials that show it the other way around?"  When your daughter says she can't play the doctor in the game because she is a girl, you can tell her about all the women you know who are doctors. When she says she wants to be president, go to that media source (the internet) and use it to your advantage. Find women who run countries and big companies and read about them together. Tell her how few there are in relation to men and ask her what she thinks.

You get the picture. If she is a teen, watch this documentary. And find other one's like it, like "Temple Grandin" that illustrates the struggle through a true story of a woman following her passions though she was barred by the male establishment.

We cant keep the sexist and exclusionary messages out, but we can question their validity, expose the faulty thinking, and counter with media that reveals strength and equality instead.

I welcome comments.

No means No: Children’s voices/Adult Boundaries

Have you ever tickled a child and they laughed but said stop?  Did you stop?

I have been aware for some time, as a child abuse treatment therapist, that children’s declarations of self hood are often ignored by adults. We tell kids for instance, “Give Aunt Mary a kiss” even as the child may be pulling away; or “That’s not nice to say no to a hug, you’ll hurt (so and so’s) feelings”. 

We scoop them up from behind without notice, in the name of play, and we routinely cross boundaries with children we would likely not do with an adult.  Today I discovered my babysitter tickling my son. He was laughing yet saying, “Stop.”   I have intervened in this before so today I took a moment and stood just outside the door and listened. She continued to tickle. He continued to giggle but say “stop” and his “stops” were getting more adamant and I could hear the mounting frustration build up. And since I know my son, I could also tell he was trying hard to denounce his feelings and to accept this situation.  Anyway, she did not stop; in fact she began a debate by asking him “why are you laughing if you don’t like it?”  He didn’t know how to answer. He is four.

My son tried to reason with her. He asked if she liked to be tickled. She admitted she did not.  So my son asked wisely, “Then why are you tickling me when I say no?” Again, not acknowledging his quite mature reasoning she said, “Because you were laughing, so I know you liked it”.  Now I could hear the tears in his voice. He was trying to reason with an adult about something that was hard to explain and his feelings and boundaries were not being given any worth. (By this time of course I was at the door to the room, hoping my presence would offer him courage and communicate my concern to the sitter.) Next, my child said,” If you don’t like it and I say stop then you shouldn’t do it!” Then with tears in his eyes, he hit her. 

So guess what?  She began to admonish him for hitting saying hitting isn’t nice and he should apologize. The hypocrisy jumped at me hard and I struggled to remain calm.  Now, I do not teach my child to hit. I teach the use of words. He had done that. It hadn’t worked. So at this point I stepped in and told her that I teach my child that his body is his own and that if he says no to a touch or tickle, that is his right and his words should be accepted. 

So the rest of the day my child was out of sorts and was displaying some aggression that he usually doesn’t. I realized that he had several experiences with adults in his life this week where his body integrity had not been respected. Again, the forced hugs and such by well meaning but clearly unaware adults.

Why do we think that children should be forced to allow things we ourselves do not like, such as unwanted hugs, kisses or tickles? This is very reminiscent of “she didn’t fight so I thought she liked it”, even though the victim in this description may have been grimacing or crying, she didn’t fight so it was OK?

It’s not OK.

Again, I come from a child sexual abuse prevention background and I have been well educated in how to teach children and families ways to increase child safety and have children grow up to be assertive, not aggressive and respect boundaries within themselves and others. The reason children do not know how to say no to child abusers, or grow up to be people without  clear and self defined assertiveness skills is largely because we parents, caregivers and the greater culture often send messages to children every day that slowly melt away their assertive and dignified voice in many areas.

My child has clear boundaries in our home. Rules are clear and there are consequences when not followed. He is not allowed to disrespect others. He is not allowed to grab another kid by the arm and pull him along, or to try to force anyone to do something that is uncomfortable for them. I expect that those around him allow the same respect. But sadly, this is often not the case. 

So often kids learn that they are not allowed to say no, they are not allowed to own their own body. When we are tickled, we laugh. It is an automatic bodily response. It does not signify we like it. If we say no while laughing we still mean no. A child comes into fierce awareness of their relative vulnerability at the hands of an adult through tickling. They cannot break free and saying stop often doesn’t work. Their body betrays them by laughing. Their words seem to mean nothing to the all powerful adult. Often the same adult who instructed, “use your words”.

And when they finally get so frustrated by this vulnerability, they hit or bite, or whatever. Then, they get in trouble. Can you imagine how frustrating and demoralizing this is? Not every child has the same areas where he or she is sensitive or experiences powerlessness. But as caregivers, teachers, and parents we should be attentive to signs of distress, and by all means model that No means No and Stop should be respected.

And by the way, if disrespecting a child’s body boundaries through corporal punishment at one end of the spectrum, or even frequent less overt occurrences of disrespect become customary for a child, they will over time, learn to ignore their own instincts and relinquish their own power and control. Or they will likely become bullies.

Tired Mama

I am a Mom. I am the Mom of a very energetic little boy. My co parent travels 85% of the year. I am tired. I am very tired.

I know full well the perils of stay at home mom hood. The exhaustion and isolation that sometimes accompany this life choice. And for many of course, staying at home is a luxury not available. So I know how lucky I am. I do. So I do hesitate to voice the not so happy feelings that lurk within me. The thing is, I have discovered that many other Mom’s (for it is still vastly women who stay at home with the children-and more on that in later blogs) feel similar dark feelings that are rarely spoken and often not easily admitted within oneself.

So I will rock this boat, because I know for sure being silent about stuff that feels bad inside will fester.

I will be writing about this issue on this blog in upcoming installments. I will be venting a bit, offering some advice from both a Mom perspective and a therapist perspective (I have been a clinical social worker active on and off for 15 years, and many of those years were spent helping children and teens, as well as families caught in a hard place.)

To start, I will say that being the primary person for all of your child’s (or children’s) needs is not easy especially if you are either single, or functionally single. Because that is what I have witnessed playing out for years and it’s what I find happening across households that I come in contact with either professionally or personally. Moms are carrying a HUGE deal of the energy burden for their children’s lives. From the meals and cleaning to managing time and appointments, to handling nighttime terrors or a myriad of emotional needs. It falls often to one parent and that is often the Mom. When I speak with stay at home Dads I hear similar feelings but honestly they often get a lot of help from their wife/coparent even if she is the one working. Moms often do not.

I know that many readers will think I am bashing here or being unfair. I am just saying what I see. And the statistics from researchers back it up. Depending on the source of data, anywhere from 25% to 49% of all US household are led by a single Mom. Especially within the lower income areas, the number is very high. If you add to this the families where a partner travels a lot, or as with military families where the coparent (usually the Dad) is gone a year at a time – we are looking at adding another large percentage to the previous number. So this is an important phenomenon to explore. The societal norms that are assumed both in the media and in policy do not suit a large percentage of American homes.

For me, I adore my child fiercely and am hugely grateful for my time with him. But even now as I sit trying to take just 10minutes to write this, he is tugging at my leg and whining for my time. When I tried to take a shower he was outside the shower door talking and asking when I would be out. Often, I just smile and think how cute he is. But often, especially if I am was up in the night, or have an article to write or just am feeling worn down at the end of a 7 days stint of his Dad being on the road, I can feel overwhelming frustration. And I get bitter, I admit it. Because, I am not getting much domestic support. This means precious little time just to be me.  I cannot afford a sitter from evenings out for instance, and since my partner travels I just almost never get one. My son’s father gets most evenings out and has dinner with adult conversation and time to himself. I know he works hard, but he gets to play too. I don’t. I had hoped parenthood would be more shared and I would have more fun with it as a result. It’s not just me, but relationships that are unbalanced are a recipe for failure. I know a lot of families for whom this is exactly what occurred. Mom was feeling alone and unsupported. Dad took nights out with the guys, tailgate parties, golfing – you name it. Mom had to be the one for the kids, almost entirely with no time for her. She festered. She smiled and pretended it was ok. She tried to talk about it and it ended in an argument so it went by the wayside. Now they are dividing up the week with the kids because they are divorced. This is not uncommon.

So I’m saying we all need to talk about it more. Because I just know we as a culture can make change. I also think Dad’s need to share their burdens as providers (for those for whom this is their primary role) because kids who have rested and involved Dad’s gain a lot from this relationship. With awareness and not shame about what we are feeling, maybe new laws can be passed for businesses to better support families. Maybe people can come together to sort out these feelings and reduce the isolation. There is a lot we can do to change our society if we just acknowledge the need. Our country isn’t where it was even 15 years ago. Many kids are living without one of their parents and many families are divided.
Working parents are often exhausted, single parents are sometimes isolated, stay at home parents are too often exhausted and isolated.

If we can talk to each other, we can improve conditions for families, for women, for children. We can provide more space for fathers to enjoy time with their kids.  There is room for it all when we can open the dialogue with compassion.   

Scary Santa?

So I recently heard a fellow Mom at the park talking about Santa with her friend. She said she wants to make sure she keeps the “Christmas spirit” alive by working hard to keep her kids believing is Santa for as long as possible. The other Mom qualified this adding, and get this – that she tells her kids that when they stop believing, Santa will stop coming. Ok, this is mean. As a therapist my ears perked up when I heard this because to me I’m just imagining this child pretending not to question things, or worse, learning not to trust his instincts and not to be a critical thinker. I know many of you are thinking that I extrapolate too far. Could be, but it did get me thinking about the way we model truth and respect and critical thinking to our children though many mundane aspects of life including family rituals. In fact family holidays are laden with memory making opportunities. So I think how we conduct these ritualized times is worth a little consideration.

As a parent and a therapist, I think we should nurture our children’s natural curiosity for the truth. As for Santa -my son got frightened when he was 2 1/2 about the idea of a stranger coming into his home while he was asleep. That’s my son. But it totally makes sense. I had always told him that our home was locked up at night and to keep the door locked during the day, etc. So to think it odd and scary that some man comes into your home at night while your parents slept through this intrusion, seems the logical conclusion.Anyway, he really pushed to know how the gifts arrived. His previous Christmas was ushered in with what must have seemed like the mother load of toys under the tree. So of course, I told him the truth. Mommy and Daddy placed the gifts there at night to make Christmas morning a great big fun event for him.  He was fine, and relieved.  What is more, I just like the truth in general.  

I do not like to lie to my child. I do soften the truth to make the world seem more safe than it actually is. For little ones, it is only kind and appropriate to their developmental needs that we be cautious about what material infiltrates their consciousness. We can do this while still maintaining a truthful environment.  Through age 5 at least, a child needs to feel safe and secure in the world and she cannot easily sort out fact from fiction. Small children can live in mortal dread of such events as earthquakes or sea monsters. They do not need to hear the dangers of hurricanes for instance as it becomes just negative fodder for creative and fragile psyches. As an example, he needs to know to look both ways before crossing the street. When he asked why, I was honest: cars are on the road and getting hit my one would hurt badly. He needed to know this and it is useful because he can act on the information. He cannot stop a hurricane, so he does not need to hear about all the implications of it.

I know it’s hard to determine when to be honest and to what extent with any child especially small ones. As a therapist I have worked with a lot of children and have had the honor of being invited into their inner worlds. I will tell you that they get frightened by more than we parents often know that they do. For instance, many kids told me they were angry that their parents lied about Santa. I know this seems unbelievable, but I kid you not. I’m not saying that such fantasy encouraged by parents is going to ruin a kid or cause permanent emotional damage. I am saying, think about your child. Every child is different and what might scare one will excite another. If you pay attention, you will have a sense of what cautions you can take to create a feeling of security as much as is possible for your growing little emotional being.
I grew up where “common knowledge” was that kids need to be toughened up. I often heard say that the earlier they learn to handle fear and face reality the better. As a clinical social worker I know better. The research shows, and I see it all the time, that when children are little, they need a level of protection from the harsh realities of the world. They need the foundation of an internal sense of safety that they will carry within them all their lives. This internal peacefulness, which is developed in the first days to first years, is actually the armor they need to navigate a harsh world as they become teens and adults. So not “toughening up” by having them face things they cannot understand or act upon, but give them coping skills. They need to be taught and have modeled by their caregivers, how to manage anxiety and fear in a creative and positive way. Strategies toward this end help them all their lives, and positively alter the way they react to danger or perceived threats their whole lives.

I am not suggesting that children can or should be put in some sort of bubble or kept isolated. Not at all. But we as parents can make many choices that slow our child’s world down, soften it, and make it feel more safe without resorting to isolation or anxiety driven protective efforts. With a calm peaceful awareness of our child, and mindfulness about the choices of inputs we can control like television, books, social scenarios, etc., we can greatly increase our child’s adaptability.

Back to Santa, I obviously do not use fear tactics of any sort to motivate my son, but he does know that Mom and Dad work hard so he can have wants as well as needs. So he knows that being well behaved means more privileges of all sorts including an extra gift or two under the tree Christmas morning. I did offer that we could fantasize about Santa because it’s fun, like watching a pleasant TV show can be, or how we love to imagine we are part of the story in our books.  We read Santa stories and joke about Santa coming to visit with gifts, but he says Mommy and Daddy are Santa and is just as enchanted at holiday time as any other kid.

Free Gendered Toys-Such as small little gripe-huh?

Recently read a post on Huffington about McDonald’s kid’s meal question, “boy or girl?” when you order through drive thru. Ok…for now let’s not get into why we are at such a less than savory establishment with our precious little one’s health in the balance…I want to join with the blogger from HP that sometimes I also get more than a bit irritated.

I am reminded so many times a day all the ways gender stereotyping is thrust toward our small children.  And I don't hear a lot of folks questioning it.  When I mention how hoppin mad I get at that damn McD's (or many other food chains-doctor's office stickers....on and on) question "girl or boy?" people often look at me like I’m neurotic. Well maybe I am, but not about this. By the age of about two, my little boy (who is nurtured in a feminist household) said,  "I can’t like pink Mommy bc I’m a boy".

Countless other such little darts have been shot me now that he is four. I don't always know how to respond.  It has always been this way, true. One need only look at old movies, adverts etc to know this...but today with hyper marketing of EVERYTHING, marketers are still promoting strict gender norms even in what we are told is a more enlightened age, with terms like LGBT and LGBTQ normative language.   Yet my son at the tender age of four questions if it’s OK to like the more pleasant looking, less monstrous toys that are pushed on boys everywhere you go.

I find among the folks I encounter (now across many states) that boys are expected to like the gruesome, the cruel and the "tough" hype. If they don’t, believe me - they get sideways glances (well at least I as his Mom get them). No wonder in short time boys lose their voice. As a feminist I focused alot of my life on the crap that is pushed on girls- and it is a worthy and vital target for change-HUGE. But I now am looking much more seriously and with sadness as I see all this louder, bigger, tougher, more mean ( toys, movies, shows etc.)  "boy's stuff" and how it is dominating little minds.